Wednesday, March 10, 2010


The Childless Mother's Lullaby
By Ella Rhoads Higginson, 1925

Oh, many's the time in the evening
When the light has fled o'er the sea,
That I dream alone in the gloaming
Of the joys that are not for me;
And oft in my sorrowful bosom
Swells up the mother-love flame,
And I clasp with my arms that are trembling
My child that never came....

The hours swim on the midnight
The moon looks over the hill,
And the u-lu-lu of the night owl
Sinks mournfully and shrill;
The solitude aches with rapture,
And my heart with the mother-love flame
As I sing alone in the gloaming
To the child that never came.

From A Book of Lullabies (Elva S. Smith ed., 1925)

Today I am sinking into the depths of sorrow...I feel it happening, as if a giant wave is enveloping me; it has been another difficult day.


Once again, it all feels so hopeless. We have explored adoption, surrogacy, donor egg programs, foster care, and still we do not have a child. I called Department of Children Services earlier. The lady on the telephone was cold and harsh. "If you are looking to adopt a baby, this is not for you." She said, matter-of-fact. "People just don't hand over their babies to DCS, and when they do under the age of 18 months, they usually end up being placed back in the home." She also said that we would have to foster a child for a period of six months or more before we could be considered as potential adoptive parents. It doesn't matter that we have gone through home studies and background checks before with agencies and attorneys. I also found out today that surrogacy is not an option for me... because my ovarian reserve is low and I am over 42. The nurse said, it is "unlikely." "The doctor won't even consider harvesting eggs from a woman your age," I was told by the nurse. "The odds are against it," she said. She added that she was not trying to be mean...that she was just explaining the facts to me. It seems that every path we look down, there is someone slamming doors in our faces.

Sorrow. Today it is all that I know.
Painting: Joy & Sorrow
by Zhong-Yang Huang


Sandy @ My Shabby Streamside Studio said...

I'm sorry to hear you're down about this, Paula. I gave up trying and caring, it was easier, but if you don't want to then don't!

I hope the stork pays you a visit soon!

Hugs and support,
Sandy @ My Shabby Streamside Studio

Karen said...

This is the saddest poem, it brings tears to my eyes because I can remember so vividly how hard the waiting was.

Pajama Mama said...


I'm not gonna lie and act like I know how you feel. But, I hear your heart and my heart broke for you, just reading the post. Please know that I am lifting you up to Father even as I'm typing. In Him is our Only Hope.

My friend used this adoption agency. I met some of the people...they truly have a heart for this. Just thought I'd share it with you...having no idea what all you've already been through.


Kim said...

Oh, Paula, I have been thinking about this situation for you a lot the last couple of days and I was not surprised to read this poem you have shared. It just breaks my heart and I can hardly type for the tears that are streaming. I really think that the time will come..I've said it before..I just you just have to believe the time will come. Doctors and nurses don't know everything. Sorry to all those docs and nurses out there, but it is the truth.

Kim said...

Have you talked with Alicia Paulson over at Posie Gets Cozy? She is adopting..of course it is in Oregon but she may have some advice for you.

Serita Johnson said...

I am so sorry that you are having to go through this, I could not even imagine the pain. Please know that I am praying for you, and I know that God has a plan for you..

Ragamuffin Gal said...

Your post is heart wrenching and your picture and chosen poem is lovely. My heart aches for you. As one who is on the other side of the agony, I can only tell you to trust in God ~ He knows how to direct your path. And.. you will be OK no matter what your plan is ~
have faithful peace darling friend.