Sorrow

The Childless Mother's Lullaby

By Ella Rhoads Higginson, 1925

Oh, many's the time in the evening

When the light has fled o'er the sea,

That I dream alone in the gloaming

Of the joys that are not for me;

And oft in my sorrowful bosom

Swells up the mother-love flame,

And I clasp with my arms that are trembling

My child that never came....

The hours swim on the midnight

The moon looks over the hill,

And the u-lu-lu of the night owl

Sinks mournfully and shrill;

The solitude aches with rapture,

And my heart with the mother-love flame

As I sing alone in the gloaming

To the child that never came.

From A Book of Lullabies (Elva S. Smith ed., 1925)

Today I am sinking into the depths of sorrow...I feel it happening, as if a giant wave is enveloping me; it has been another difficult day.

Hopelessness.

Once again, it all feels so hopeless. We have explored adoption, surrogacy, donor egg programs, foster care, and still we do not have a child. I called Department of Children Services earlier. The lady on the telephone was cold and harsh. "If you are looking to adopt a baby, this is not for you." She said, matter-of-fact. "People just don't hand over their babies to DCS, and when they do under the age of 18 months, they usually end up being placed back in the home." She also said that we would have to foster a child for a period of six months or more before we could be considered as potential adoptive parents. It doesn't matter that we have gone through home studies and background checks before with agencies and attorneys. I also found out today that surrogacy is not an option for me... because my ovarian reserve is low and I am over 42. The nurse said, it is "unlikely." "The doctor won't even consider harvesting eggs from a woman your age," I was told by the nurse. "The odds are against it," she said. She added that she was not trying to be mean...that she was just explaining the facts to me. It seems that every path we look down, there is someone slamming doors in our faces.

Sorrow. Today it is all that I know.

Painting: Joy & Sorrow

by Zhong-Yang Huang