Friday, February 12, 2010

Hope & Trust

Hope is both the earliest and the most indispensable virtue
inherent in the state of being alive.
If life is to be sustained, hope must remain,
even where confidence is wounded, trust impaired.
~Erik H. Erikson

My husband and I have been hoping to adopt for a very long time. We have been through all of the home study requirements, the home visits, the background checks and fingerprinting. We have worked through both an agency and an attorney in hope of finding a birthmother. We started on this journey over two years ago, and today, still...we wait.

The nursery is ready. The stuffed animals and toys sit on the dresser and on the shelves with the children's books. We painted artwork for the room. We have taken every precaution as far as safety and comfort. And, still....we wait.

I keep a waiting journal. I write about all the things we are doing in preparation for a little one. I write letters to our baby, even though we don't know his or her name or face. We talk about "the baby" as if he or she are already with us. Every decision we make in our daily lives are made with our baby in mind. But, still...we wait.

Today, although I try so hard to keep hope in my heart, it is difficult not to feel that this may never happen after so much time has passed. I truly believe that all things happen in God's own precious time, but...what if He is saying no, and I am just not listening? What if I am prolonging this vigil because I want to, and it really isn't His will? What if I am ignoring Him? I have battled with this for some days now. I admit that my hope is waning, but I trust God...still. I trust Him to let me know in no uncertain terms what our future holds, and I know He will tell me if I open my heart to hear.

And I trust Him...even if the answer is no.


The Rustic Victorian said...

Gods timing "is" perfect

Deborah said...

Hello Paula, I am ever so happy to meet you. I intended to visit you Wednesday when you first left a comment, but now I see why I was to wait until today. For this post. We went through 5 years of infertility and lost two babies before getting to the right infertility specialist. I think adoption must be the same way... And God's timing is perfect. It is just so difficult for us to wait on The Lord. He is not saying no...He is saying trust Him. One of my miracle babies ended up with a nasty, bad drug addiction as a young teen and I prayed for 5 years for God to save him and many many times almost gave up. Then 3 years ago The Lord moved and saved him, and that child is now SPC Ryan, serving in the US Army infantry and moving up in his military career extremely quickly. God had His hand of protection upon my son during his year in Iraq. When God saved him, it was just done. Like the snap of a finger. So you keep that nursery ready, and keep praying and waiting on the Lord. Perhaps check out some christian adoption services. Sending you all my love, Deborah

BailiwickStudio said...

Yes, God's timing is often not within our understanding - we also had fertility issues, but ended up having two children (now 25 & 22). It just took a while! I wish you many blessings during this journey. Continue to keep your child in your mind's eye, and never give up hope. Things can change in a heartbeat! ::Jill

Jamie said...

Dear Sweet Paula. You are ready. And your child will be so very lucky when he/she finds their way to you. Love, Jamie

Evi said...

I'm thinking of you often - it will happen. You will make such a great Mommy. It will be your turn soon. Hang in there. Hugs.

Karen said...

Oh, Paula, I could have written this myself. Twenty years ago, I was "waiting" just like you. I, too, thought that maybe God was saying 'no' and I wasn't listening. But then I realized He just had the perfect plan and it came in His time with my first baby, Joey. We first met him when he was just three weeks old, and now he is a handsome young man. God answered my wait two more times! Isn't that just like Him? I wondered if I would ever be a mom, and He was so gracious to make me a mom three times over! People told us it was so hard to adopt just one baby, and we adopted three! I love that you're keeping a journal. Hugs, Karen

Coralie Cederna Johnson said...

Dear Paula, I'm so sorry you are having to wait and worry and wonder. God has you in His Hands but I can only imagine how hard this is for you right now. You and your husband will make the very best parents; your love is endless and enduring. Wishing you the best and sending you love and friendship on Valentines Day. Blessings, Coralie

Kim said...

The answer is not no, it is not the time yet, but I feel it will be soon..I get those feelings about things.

Ragamuffin Gal said...

Paula ~
I am so happy to announce to you that you have won my Cherish piece in the One World One Heart give away! Send me you address and I will get it to you this week!

I cannot believe I am adding this to this heart felt post. My husband and I have also suffered infertility. I would be happy to share any time with you about our journey and struggles and years of God's no.

I am so excited you were my winner!
Many Blessings,

Cheryl Carey Bass said...

Wow, Paula. I understand what you are going through. We are in a similar situation. I admire your faith and know you are on the right path by letting HIS will be YOURS. I don't think HE is saying no, though. I truly don't. I believe it will happen. No reason it shouldn't. Just keep holding on. It will work. You will have your baby. Don't give up. We love you and support you!