inherent in the state of being alive.
If life is to be sustained, hope must remain,
even where confidence is wounded, trust impaired.
~Erik H. Erikson
~Erik H. Erikson
My husband and I have been hoping to adopt for a very long time. We have been through all of the home study requirements, the home visits, the background checks and fingerprinting. We have worked through both an agency and an attorney in hope of finding a birthmother. We started on this journey over two years ago, and today, still...we wait.
The nursery is ready. The stuffed animals and toys sit on the dresser and on the shelves with the children's books. We painted artwork for the room. We have taken every precaution as far as safety and comfort. And, still....we wait.
I keep a waiting journal. I write about all the things we are doing in preparation for a little one. I write letters to our baby, even though we don't know his or her name or face. We talk about "the baby" as if he or she are already with us. Every decision we make in our daily lives are made with our baby in mind. But, still...we wait.
Today, although I try so hard to keep hope in my heart, it is difficult not to feel that this may never happen after so much time has passed. I truly believe that all things happen in God's own precious time, but...what if He is saying no, and I am just not listening? What if I am prolonging this vigil because I want to, and it really isn't His will? What if I am ignoring Him? I have battled with this for some days now. I admit that my hope is waning, but I trust God...still. I trust Him to let me know in no uncertain terms what our future holds, and I know He will tell me if I open my heart to hear.
And I trust Him...even if the answer is no.