Happiest of Father's Day

This was my DH's first Father's Day as a Daddy. This day was such a special one for him, so I thought I would post a few photographs. Doesn't the smile in the first photo just say it all? We are in heaven.

Our Dream Come True

If you have followed our blog for any time, you know that my DH and I have been trying to adopt for many years. We finally received "the call," and were able to bring home our beautiful baby boy. Isn't he amazing?

He is the answer to hundreds of prayers we prayed. We thank God for this precious gift.

Prayers Answered

We witness a miracle every time a child enters into life.
But those who make their journey home across time & miles,
growing within the hearts of those who wait to love them,
are carried on the wings of destiny and placed among us
by God's very own hands.
-- Kristi Larson



I am sorry that I have been away for a few weeks, but it was due to the most amazing event.  We finally were successful in our attempt to adopt a baby, and we brought home an amazing, beautiful newborn baby boy. He is gorgeous and truly a gift from God. Our many, many prayers were answered and years of waiting finally came to an end.  We could not be more ecstatic. I will post more soon about our adoption journey and our beautiful son.

Sorrow

The Childless Mother's Lullaby

By Ella Rhoads Higginson, 1925

Oh, many's the time in the evening

When the light has fled o'er the sea,

That I dream alone in the gloaming

Of the joys that are not for me;

And oft in my sorrowful bosom

Swells up the mother-love flame,

And I clasp with my arms that are trembling

My child that never came....

The hours swim on the midnight

The moon looks over the hill,

And the u-lu-lu of the night owl

Sinks mournfully and shrill;

The solitude aches with rapture,

And my heart with the mother-love flame

As I sing alone in the gloaming

To the child that never came.

From A Book of Lullabies (Elva S. Smith ed., 1925)

Today I am sinking into the depths of sorrow...I feel it happening, as if a giant wave is enveloping me; it has been another difficult day.

Hopelessness.

Once again, it all feels so hopeless. We have explored adoption, surrogacy, donor egg programs, foster care, and still we do not have a child. I called Department of Children Services earlier. The lady on the telephone was cold and harsh. "If you are looking to adopt a baby, this is not for you." She said, matter-of-fact. "People just don't hand over their babies to DCS, and when they do under the age of 18 months, they usually end up being placed back in the home." She also said that we would have to foster a child for a period of six months or more before we could be considered as potential adoptive parents. It doesn't matter that we have gone through home studies and background checks before with agencies and attorneys. I also found out today that surrogacy is not an option for me... because my ovarian reserve is low and I am over 42. The nurse said, it is "unlikely." "The doctor won't even consider harvesting eggs from a woman your age," I was told by the nurse. "The odds are against it," she said. She added that she was not trying to be mean...that she was just explaining the facts to me. It seems that every path we look down, there is someone slamming doors in our faces.

Sorrow. Today it is all that I know.

Painting: Joy & Sorrow

by Zhong-Yang Huang

Hope & Trust

Hope is both the earliest and the most indispensable virtue

inherent in the state of being alive.

If life is to be sustained, hope must remain,

even where confidence is wounded, trust impaired.
~Erik H. Erikson

My husband and I have been hoping to adopt for a very long time. We have been through all of the home study requirements, the home visits, the background checks and fingerprinting. We have worked through both an agency and an attorney in hope of finding a birthmother. We started on this journey over two years ago, and today, still...we wait.

The nursery is ready. The stuffed animals and toys sit on the dresser and on the shelves with the children's books. We painted artwork for the room. We have taken every precaution as far as safety and comfort. And, still....we wait.

I keep a waiting journal. I write about all the things we are doing in preparation for a little one. I write letters to our baby, even though we don't know his or her name or face. We talk about "the baby" as if he or she are already with us. Every decision we make in our daily lives are made with our baby in mind. But, still...we wait.

Today, although I try so hard to keep hope in my heart, it is difficult not to feel that this may never happen after so much time has passed. I truly believe that all things happen in God's own precious time, but...what if He is saying no, and I am just not listening? What if I am prolonging this vigil because I want to, and it really isn't His will? What if I am ignoring Him? I have battled with this for some days now. I admit that my hope is waning, but I trust God...still. I trust Him to let me know in no uncertain terms what our future holds, and I know He will tell me if I open my heart to hear.

And I trust Him...even if the answer is no.

Bedding for Baby

I have stayed awake at night worrying about the bedding we will select for the baby's nursery. I know that may sound silly to some, but I just want it to be beautiful for him or her. We have an older, historic home, so I wanted to remain rather true to the rest of the house and not go too outlandish or contemporary with the nursery. It seems that nearly all the bedding sets these days are contemporary! I had a difficult time finding something that would coordinate with the rest of the house and not seem "out of place."

I wandered upon this bedding set tonight, and I rather like it. We need to stay neutral since we don't know if we will be adopting a boy or a girl. I am wondering if this will work - is it too girly? The fabrics seem a little "grown up," but I think paired with the right artwork (I have samples of that, too, that I found online) and accessories, it may work. The color of our furniture in that room will be a dark oak, so the colors may blend nicely. What do you think?

Photographs courtesy of Babies R Us - Glenna Jean "Dynasty" collection. Artwork from AllPosters.Com.

Another Step in the Journey

Posted by Paula

Today, despite recovering from a horrible week-long bout of asthma, I was able to get out a bit and get some very important things accomplished! After a week of laying around in bed and a three day hospital visit, it feels good to make some progress! Michael and I went today to be fingerprinted and have a criminal records check for the adoption process. I admit, I was expecting to have to put my fingers on an ink pad and roll them across the little cards like you see the criminals do in all the old cop shows, but I was amazed! It's all digital! No ink! No black fingertips! What progress! I was relieved that neither Michael nor I have a criminal past (we weren't really expecting anything to show up, but there's always a chance Michael could have a deep dark past...Ha! --- He told me his "Butler High School" reputation just hadn't got around. This is so funny in so many ways). Anyway, another step accomplished on the road to adoption! It feels great!

An Adoption Journey

Michael and I are excited. We have began a new journey, a new chapter in our lives. We are in the process of adopting a baby, and we are thrilled. We began this journey a few months ago. Finally coming to terms with our inability to conceive, we researched different adoption agencies and felt led to Bethany Christian Services. Bethany has 75 offices across the country and three in the state of Tennessee. We are working with the Nashville office and have completed both the informal and formal applications, have gone through the orientation process, and are currently working on our home study.

I felt it important that I begin a "waiting" journal, written for our baby that we will share with him/her when they are old enough to discuss and understand their adoption story. It's been an exciting thing for me to start, to write letters to my child, to tell my child all the things Michael and I are doing in order to bring him/her home. We have already selected baby names and have moved on to discussing the nursery...all the things the agency tells you to do while on the waiting list. Somehow it makes the waiting a bit easier.

In the next few weeks, we'll go through the home visit. Representatives from the agency will visit our home, inspect it, and let us know if it is fit for a child to live here. This is the step that frightens me the most! I've tried to walk through the house and look at all the things that could pose a hazard to a child, and HAZARDS ARE EVERYWHERE! Everything from my Victorian hatpins, poisonous cleaning supplies, and our staircase frighten me! Okay, I can do something about the hatpins and cleaning supplies, but we'll have to live with the staircase. Our yard isn't fenced in, and we live on a busy road. Scary. I've never looked at our home through the eyes of a mother, and what I see has scared me to death. We're going to fail the home visit!!!!! Thankfully, they're sharing information with us that will help us to make our home safer. Even with those studies, I'm not sure we can baby proof this house! How do families do this?!?!

With all the joy and excitement we feel, there is one more feeling that we can't escape. Complete and utter terror! What if we don't do everything we need to do to provide the baby a safe home in which to live? Do all expecting parents go through this? Does it get easier? Is there some kind of baby safety expert that we can hire to help us?!?! If so, please share!!